


Люблю

by DivergentElf



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: F/M, Female Allen Walker, Hanahaki Disease, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I don't know, M/M, Unrequited Love, somewhat happy ending?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 02:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8185969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivergentElf/pseuds/DivergentElf
Summary: Love is a painful emotion. But to Alma Karma, it was something that was beautiful, no matter how painful it was. He would never let it go.





	

Alma didn’t know when he fell for his best friend. But at the same time, he remembers the day, when he admitted to himself that he loved and will forever love Yuu.

It was during fall, when he was in middle school.

It was routine for them, every time they went home, Alma’d crash at Yuu’s house, play video games, then have a friendly kendo spar.

It was only then, when he sees the panting and sweaty form of his friend, determination shining in his eyes like that of the pink petals of a lotus, that he finds his best friend beautiful.

It was only then, that he found that he loved every single thing about his best friend, from his grumpy mood to his vivid anger to his smug smirks and rare smiles, everything about Yuu was beautiful.

Alma never claimed to be good at poetry anyway.

He thought it wouldn’t hurt, and so he kept his feelings to himself.

Besides, he’d have a happy ending right?

 

It all changed when Yuu met Allen Walker.

It was during their first year of high school.

Allen was a petite young woman of fifteen, with feathery, soft white hair tied up into a ponytail, a curious red scar that ran across her eye, but it made her beautiful all the same. Her smooth, flawless skin was as white as the snow that covered the ground in winter and her doe-like eyes were a gorgeous shade of amethyst.

Alma had absolutely nothing against Allen. She was a sweet, friendly, vivacious and a pretty cute girl and was fun to hang out with.

Sometimes, she even helped him plan pranks and tease Lavi about his crush on the new Portuguese kid who happened to be Allen’s cousin.

Allen was a bit scary, since her poker face was simply perfect and she never lost in cards.

Never. She hadn't lost even once.

Sometimes he, Lavi and Lenalee wondered if Allen was cheating.

Kanda had absolutely no doubt about it.

 

Alma never dreamed that Yuu would fall in love with her. Nor did he ever dream that Allen would fall in love with Yuu.

 

The answer to that was simple really.

Simply put, Allen irritated the hell out of Yuu. And vice-versa.

Why, no one had any idea. It was probably because Yuu called her ‘moyashi’ when he first met her, and that must have struck a nerve within that young lady.

They always argued, they always fought, they always quarreled, there wasn’t any love lost between them. There were no smiles between them; there were only glares, scowls and taunting smirks.

So how? How did this happen?

How did Yuu fall for her?

Why?

 

It was a quiet day of spring, with flower petals fluttering away in the wind.

It was lunch-time when Alma noticed the first sign.

“Say, Lavi, don’t you think Ms. Epstein is being a bit too demanding?” Allen asked, drooping her head on the table with a dejected look on her face.

Alma laughed. “She’s not that bad, sprouty. She’s all right.” He said, grinning.

Allen gave him a petulant look. “You only say that because you get full marks in Biology.” She said, pouting.

Lavi nodded as he munched on his baguette sandwich. “Damn straight. Listen to Allen, she knows what she’s talking about.”

Allen giggled. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Lavi.”

Lavi winks at her. “No problem, Allen! I’m your soul mate forever and ever!” He joked, grinning.

Allen puts on a love-struck expression and Lavi grinned, knowing what came next; a parody of Romeo and Juliet.

“Oh Julietto- what would I do without thou?” Lavi says, not even bothering to smother his chuckles as he recites the line horribly and mangles Juliet’s name.

“Ah, Romeo, the spring of my love for you shall never dry up!”

“Stop, stop you two!” Lenalee says, through giggles and mirthful tears.

Alma laughs and doesn’t stop even when tears pour from his eyes.

“Stop making a scene, you three are annoying.” Kanda sniped, and it’s only then Alma notices that he was in a surlier mood than usual.

Lavi notices it as well and smirks knowingly. Alma doesn’t know exactly what he’s missing here, but it was something crucial.

Lenalee looks just as clueless as he feels and Allen scowls at him.

“If you didn’t want to listen, all you could have done was put on your headphones or something. Or even walk away. It’s not our problem that we all have sticks up our arses like you.” She says, irritably, her British accent showed in her voice, and it made Alma feel just a tiny bit scared.

Yuu just clicks his tongue and just goes on eating his tempura noodles.

Alma blinks.

Lavi blinks.

Lenalee blinks.

Allen blinks.

Kanda just looks at them irritably. “What?”

“You…just…how do I put it-“ Allen starts and was that Alma’s imagination or was there a hint of amused fondness in Yuu’s eyes?

“You were graceful about it.” Lenalee finishes. Allen nods wildly.

“You’d usually talk something back-“ Lavi starts but Yuu holds up a hand to stop him.

“So? I just decided that I wasn’t going to bother myself. Any problem?” Yuu asks, looking mildly irritated.

Allen blinks. “Um, no. Anyways, it’s nice to see you being less of a jerk, BaKanda.” She finishes, smirking at him.

“Shut up or I might just take my words back.”

 

It’s only then he realizes…

 

_Yuu’s got a crush on Allen._

_He likes her. As in, like **like.**_

_He finds her pretty. He likes the way she moves, he likes her._

_He’ll…_ Alma couldn’t bring himself to finish that thought.

 

And that’s when Alma’s windpipe feels so _choked_ and he can’t _breathe_ for the life of him.

_Mom, it’s hard to breathe…Mom, it **hurts…**_

Tears block his vision and he knows, just _knows_ what’s hit him.

Hanahaki. The famed disease that strikes when one undergoes one-sided love.

He tries to keep it in after lunch; otherwise Lavi might just understand what’s up.

 

Alma is successful in controlling it and immediately after lunch, he goes to the bathroom and coughs out yellow tulips and camellias.

Alma chuckles to himself bitterly, as he sees those flowers come out from his mouth.

**_Yellow tulips mean one-sided love._ **

**_Yellow camellias mean longing._ **

_But what’s the use? Love and longing can’t make Yuu fall for **me.**_

_Why couldn’t it be me?_

Tears spill from Alma’s eyes the same way the flowers fall from his mouth.

 

The first one to find out was surprisingly not Lavi but the last person he expected to find him in the act.

It was Bak Chang, his adoptive older brother.

It was a week after he realized that he got Hanahaki and he was now coughing flowers in his bedroom.

Just when Alma thinks he’s stopped coughing out the _kuroyuri_ flowers, Bak comes in, loudly shouting Alma’s name as he does so.

And then he sees the flowers.

Alma weakly grins at him but Bak wasn’t fooled.

“Alma…the flowers…where did they come from?” Bak asks, in horror.

Alma laughs bitterly. He was now caught.

“Don’t tell me…it’s…Hanahaki?” Bak whispers, saying the last word out as if it were a curse.

Alma doesn’t reply.

Bak runs up to him and grabs him by the shoulders, forcing him to look at him.

“You idiot…do you realize what you’re doing to yourself?!” Bak shouts, angrily.

“It…doesn’t matter… _Gege…_ He…will never reciprocate them.” Alma whispers, softly.

Bak’s hold on him weakens and he looks at Alma in worry. “Who…is it?”

Alma smiles fondly.

“It’s Yuu. But…” his smile fades away.

Bak closes his mouth with his hand in horror. Then he holds Alma into a tight embrace.

“ _Wǒ de shǎ dìdì..._ _Tánlùn shìtú dádào de wúfǎ fǎngwèn..”_ Bak says, softly. 

As Alma’s tears soak Bak’s jacket, the former laughs.

“I know… _gege_. I know how stupid I am.”

 

Then Yuu himself talks to Alma about it.

Yuu spends the night at Alma’s house, playing (albeit in a bored fashion) Mario Kart with Alma.

“Hey, Alma.” Yuu speaks up, suddenly.

Alma thinks how wonderfully his name rolls out of his beloved’s tongue.

_It was so mellifluous…_

“Yeah?” He asks casually.

“Have you ever had a…” Yuu flushes and Alma plasters on a fake grin, despite the fact that his throat is clogging up with flowers again.

“Crush? Wow cool! _Yuu_ ’re finally growing up!” Alma jokes, grinning.

Yuu scowls at Alma but with much less heat. “Shut up. How did you know?”

Alma smirks and he marvels at how wonderful his acting is. Even though he wants to cry, scream as to _why, oh why_ it couldn’t be him, here he is happy for him. “Ya know, it’s not that hard to find out that you’re being much more gentle to our favorite sprout~” He sing-sang.

Yuu’s face becomes a much more pretty shade of red, and Alma has the sudden urge to put a hibiscus in Yuu’s hair, because red seems to suit Yuu.

“So…what do I do about it?” Yuu asks, a bit hesitantly.

Alma grins and it’s so painful, the smile and the flowers which are threatening to come out of him. “Confess.”

 

That night, he coughs out ericas and marvels at their distinctive purple color, so like his hair.

He knows what they mean.

**_Erica- Solitude_ **

 

He didn’t expect that Yuu would take his advice so literally.

It was another trait of Yuu, he was sometimes so straightforward.

The next day he sees a gentle smile on Allen’s face as she talks to Yuu.

Lavi and Lenalee both gape at this momentous spectacle before their eyes.

“Hey there, BaKanda.” Allen says, lovingly.

It was all Alma could do to stop himself from breaking down then and there as he sees the gentle smirk form on his beloved’s face.

 

When he goes to the bathroom to cough out the flowers, he finds lotuses in the sink.

**_Lotus: Far from the one he loves._ **

****

And after that day, it gets worse.

Allen and Yuu start sharing kisses in the locker room; he hears them make out whenever they crash at his house along with Lavi and Lenalee.

He sometimes sees Yuu tucking a stray strand of hair that would have come out of Allen’s downy ponytail and Allen relaxing at his touch.

One day he sees Yuu shamelessly lick out a spot of ice cream after Allen has finished devouring it and he sees mischief dance oh so beautifully in his adored Yuu’s eyes and then Allen would playfully banter with him.

Yuu adores her. And so does Allen.

Alma starts avoiding Yuu, he can’t bear it anymore.

He can’t bear seeing that Yuu loves someone romantically other than him.

 

Alma notes that after Allen and Yuu start going out, he’s been coughing primroses.

**_Primroses: Desperateness._ **

Alma smirks drily at the irony.

 

Bak’s tried to convince Alma to take the surgery but Alma’s just as stubborn as Yuu.

He doesn’t want his love for Yuu to fade away, to sink into the mud like a lotus.

Bak looks at him so sadly that Alma wants to cry again. 

“Please…love isn’t worth throwing out your life for.” Bak pleads desperately one night.

Alma shakes his head. “Whatever it is, Bak, I’m not listening.”

Bak sighs sadly and walks out of Alma’s room.

 

He’s surprised it’s taken Lavi so long to figure out. No wait…

To _confront him_ about it.

 

Lavi spots him running to the bathroom and stops him by touching his shoulder.

“Alma, hold the _fuck_ up.” Lavi says, calmly.

Alma can’t help but think he’s screwed because he can clearly hear the anger under that calm, smooth tone.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Alma decides to play the confused mask.

“Don’t screw with me, you goddamned bastard.” Lavi growls out.

“How _long_ have you been keeping this stupid disease from us?! I thought since Bak knew that he’d knock up some fucking _sense_ into you but turns out that I was wrong! You fucker, don’t you realize you’re _dying_?! You’re losing your goddamned life!” Lavi rants and Alma’s genuinely scared because he’s _never_ seen Lavi _this_ mad.

“I know. And I don’t-“

“ _Don’t you give me that bullshit, **Alma Karma**!_ ” Lavi’s voice rises higher and Alma thinks that maybe Lavi’s going to punch him, but instead…to his horror, Lavi’s crying.

Tears spill from his emerald green eyes much to Alma’s sorrowful horror.

“You…idiot…is one man really worth dying for? Is love really that important to you? More important than your life? Me? Lenalee? Do you think this is what everyone of us wants?” Lavi asks, miserably.

Alma lowers his head so that his hair covered his eyes.

“Please, Alma, look at me, bud. Look at _me_.”

And so Alma obeys.

“I know…that this is hard. I know because I’ve gone through this too. Only after I confessed to Tyki that the flowers stopped.”

Alma widens his eyes as Lavi recites his tale with a sad smile.

“Wait…so you had Hanahaki too?”

Lavi rolls his eyes. “That’s what I just said, birdbrain.”

Alma chuckles at the slight. It was so unlike Lavi to be rude.

Lavi looks at Alma forlornly. “Please, Alma…just take the surgery. Your brother could afford it; your parents don’t have to know.” He says after a while.

Alma sighs. “I’ll…think about it.” _There wasn’t anything to think about._

He sees Allen and Yuu share tender looks throughout that day.

Alma coughs out zinnias that night.

**_Zinnia- Loyalty._ **

Lenalee’s been told by Lavi about Alma and he finds this out only when she comes up to him to talk about it.

 

She storms to his house, with a surprised Bak on her heels.

“Hey, Lenalee, stop- wait up-“ Bak starts, as he runs after her but she’s not listening.

But it’s too late. Lenalee kicks open Alma’s door much to Bak’s horror and Alma finds himself face to face with an angry Chinese girl.

“Alma Karma, are you _mental?!”_ She shrieks like a true fishmonger’s wife.

Alma decides that it’s best not to play the confused card otherwise he might get a slap.

“Look, Lena, I don’t want to take the surgery.” Alma finally grits out.

Lenalee scowls up at him. “And why not?! You’re being selfish here, Alma! Stop and think for one minute about Kanda! He’d be devastated if you, his childhood best friend and confidante died!”

“I don’t want to be his best friend! I want it to be more than that, I love him! What part of that don’t you people understand!?” Alma rages at Lenalee.

“Alma, if you take the surgery, you won’t have those feelings for him anymore! Kanda doesn’t say it, but he’s distraught that you’re avoiding him!” Lenalee rages back.

“I don’t give a fuck, why won’t you people leave me alone?!” Alma finally screams out, tears blinding his vision.

Lenalee herself starts crying. Bak, who’s been watching the fire-brand with wide eyes, then closes the door.

She goes up to him and hugs him, kissing him on the forehead.

“Oh, Alma…” She says softly and Alma sobs harder, finally finding comfort in the petite woman’s arms.

“I don’t, want to, see, you go!” She says, in between hiccups and sobs.

It makes Alma sob harder, hearing that.

 

The thorns start coming out and to be honest, Alma’s surprised that he’s held out for so long.

This time, he can’t control it and he starts coughing in front of people.

They look at him in pity, but it only infuriates Alma.

 

Blood starts coming out and Alma finds this out in fall, the same beautiful season in which he had fallen for Yuu.

There are rings of blood between the thorns of the pretty yellow roses and primroses he coughs out.

His heart pains indescribably and Alma realizes that this is it.

He finally feels Mother Death’s words of warmth and…love.

 

 

She finally hugs him in November 5 and Alma smiles as she hugs him.

The last flower he coughs out is a sweet pea.

_"Goodbye Yuu. I hope...you're happy with Allen."_

 

It is Bak who finds Alma's dead body in the bedroom.

He knows that this would happen and sighs heavily, sadness crashing on to him and before he knew it, he was crying.

What would he do now without his pesky little brother? Lenalee was right; Alma was indeed selfish.

Bak knew he had to talk to only one person.

 

Kanda's house was easy for Bak to find, since Alma crashed there so often.

When he rings the doorbell, Noise comes out.

"Oh hey, Bak. Long time no see." He greets, cheerfully.

Bak's severe expression wasn't difficult for Noise to decipher.

"Could I speak to Kanda, please?" He asks, tightly.

Noise nods, confused as to why Bak's voice was extremely severe.

 

"Kanda Yuu, we need to talk." Bak says calmly, but his footsteps weren't that of a normal person's. He was stomping as he saw the younger male watch a boring movie.

Kanda blinks.

"I'll get straight to the point and I don't want any of your shit, understand?"

Kanda feels just a tiny bit apprehensive, because he didn't remember Bak being as severe as Mrs. Chang. He nods, slowly.

"Alma is dead. He had the Hanahaki disease. Guess who he was in love with?"

 

Kanda's world came crashing down once Bak spoke those words coldly.

Alma was....what?

No.

It couldn't be.

No. Not Alma.

Alma is dead.

He had....Hanahaki.

He was in love with him. Kanda Yuu.

For....for how long?

No. Not Alma, no, just no.

This can't be real.

The shaking of his hands was all too real though.

"H-how...long?" Kanda croaks out, his voice suddenly hoarse.

"Since middle school." Bak lashes out, harshly.

_Middle school. For so long...._

Why?! Why Alma?! Alma was the kindest person he ever met....if anyone should have been dead...it should have been him.

How could he have been so _cruel_? How could he have been so oblivious to Alma's misery?!

How did he even dare call himself Alma's best friend?

Kanda's whole body trembles and a cold hand seems to wrap itself around his neck, a cold hand of dread.

His hands start sweating and he starts shaking even more violently.

Alma, who always smiled, who always cracked jokes, who always withstood his shit, who always made excuses for him....

He was now gone.

Bak then leaves the house, guilty at causing Kanda so much of misery.

Kanda faints with the sheer horror of everything, ignoring the distant calls of Marie and Daisya.

 

Lavi holds an uncontrollably sobbing Lenalee as Kanda brokenly tells them what happened.

Allen though, none of them had seen her so miserable.

She freezes in shock, and that did it. 

She sobs along with Lenalee and the two of them hug each other, Lavi looking more dejected than he had ever had been in his life.

 

Bak sobs along with his mother and father as Lavi, with tear tracks down his eyes and Tyki lower Alma’s casket.

Lenalee holds and sobs on to Noise Marie, Kanda’s adoptive brother, who hugs her tightly with a somber expression on his face.

Daisya lowers his head as he sees one of his closest friends being buried.

After Lavi and Tyki finish burying him, Lavi tightly holds Tyki's hand and the latter holds him close.

Mrs. Epstein looks shattered and Mr. Lee, Lenalee’s brother, sobs into his clenched fist. Alma was a favorite student of his.

Kanda stands there, looking devastated while Allen is sobbing into his chest.

The day was like any ordinary day, bright and fluffy as Alma himself.

The priest, who Alma knew as a small child, blesses Alma’s soul with a shaky voice.

 

Kanda and Allen are the last ones remaining.

“It’s…all my fault.” Allen says, finally.

It was the first time in a few days, that Allen finally starts talking.

Kanda looks at her, not understanding what she means.

“I mean…if…you hadn’t fallen for me…” Allen starts but Kanda fiercely hugs her.

“Alma wouldn’t appreciate it. All we have to do now…is live now for him. If anything, I could blame myself too for not loving him…at least, the way he wanted me to.” Kanda says, quietly.

The sun shines on them, and Kanda feels like Alma is smiling at them, agreeing with what he just said.

 

When Kanda gets married, he wishes Alma was there.

Without Alma, he was lost. But if Allen wasn’t there, he would have gone insane.

As he kisses his love, he wishes that the fool of an Alma hadn’t fallen for him of all people.

Alma was sunshine. Kanda was the dark cloud of anger. Alma was pure. Kanda was dirty.

Why would someone like Alma fall for him? Allen fell for him, because they wore the same masks, they understood each other.

They went through the same misery, they went through the same horrors, they were both dirtied and abandoned by God.

But Alma deserved better. Alma wasn't like that. He deserved someone as sweet as Lenalee or someone as happy as Lavi. 

Not someone like him.

 

 _“You idiot.”_ Kanda thinks morosely as he watches Allen dance with Tyki.

 

When they have their first child, Allen decides to call him Alma.

“Alma Kanda. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Besides he looks like a bit like Alma and you. I think this is what Alma would have wanted and maybe…maybe he was reincarnated into this tiny kid, what do you think?” Allen reasons.

Kanda smiles at the both of them.

The sun shines on them again, and Kanda hears his new-born son giggle in happiness.

_“So…Alma…I think this is what you would have wanted me to do. Move on, be happy, do what I want. I hope you’re happy, up there, or wherever you are.”_

 

 

Whenever Alma thought about Yuu…he was always happy that his beloved Yuu was happy.

 

And Kanda is aware of that, as he watches his son, who is absolutely devoted to him, grow up.

 

 _"Thank you...Yuu for being happy with her. This is why I love you so much..."_ Are the words heard by Kanda whenever he sees a lotus field.

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to all sorts of sad songs as I wrote this by the way, like Lacrimosa and Brothers (from Fullmetal Alchemist) 
> 
> I feel that the ending was a bit heartless but keep in mind, this time Kanda had someone by his side when Alma died.
> 
> I actually cried a bit as I was writing this lol.
> 
> Constructive criticism, if it could be offered, would be helpful~! 
> 
> By the way, a few explanations:
> 
> Wǒ de shǎ dìdì... Tánlùn shìtú dádào de wúfǎ fǎngwèn..: My foolish little brother, talk about reaching for the unreachable.
> 
> Yellow roses: Jealousy
> 
> Alma knows about Hanakotoba as he is fond of flowers.
> 
> The title (Lyublyu) means love.
> 
> Please do say if anyone is OOC.
> 
> EDITED: A few sentences and a scene has been added~


End file.
